A few days ago, my first tattoo turned 2 years old. I was reminded why I got it then, and where I am now – what I have become.
Two years ago, I was in a dark place – an abyss that kept pulling me down. My thoughts were just as dark. No one really knew what I’m going through. Mainly because I, myself, was having a hard time trying to decipher my own thoughts. My logical mind debates with the darker thoughts that were brewing in my head. It wasn’t winning.
My birthday was approaching and I needed to get myself together. Something about another year in life to start anew. After all, I had a new lease in life after what I’ve thought of doing a month prior. So, why a tattoo?
A piece of jewelry, I could lose. Aside from the fact that I am not really fond of wearing too many accessories. I also couldn’t find something that would remind me of my story. Hence, the idea of a tattoo.
My first tattoo was that of a lotus flower. There are Buddhist symbolism to the flower and different colors has various meanings. For me, it means rebirth. It means starting over in life. I wanted to love myself more, be more compassionate to others and cherish the ones I care about. It also means detaching myself from those that hinders my growth in any aspect of my being. I want to continually face the rising sun and move forward everyday.
In the year that follow, I have had many victories as much as I had failures. Through all of those, I quake in fear of the unknown. Where do I start? What is my worth? How does one love oneself again? Would I be able to do it?
A year and a half after my first one, I got my second tattoo. This one, I wanted to place somewhere conspicuous. I want to see it as often as possible.
The tattoo of a butterfly attached to a word courage has a deeper meaning for me than what it is. I had my chance to start over but have I really? Have I taken that step to move forward? Or do I still find myself attached to the similar things that broke me before?
Back then, I thought I’ve found my courage. I thought I would be able to spread my wings because now, I have it. Little did I know that it wasn’t the case. Now, my courage tattoo has a new found meaning.
I am the butterfly. I am the courage.
I would embody the courageous woman that I am. She is someone who has emerged from the cocoon of darkness in her. She is someone who unfurled her wings to take on new journeys. She could spread her wings and show off her beauty because she is brave. She soar as high as she wants and could because she is fearless.
I am still afraid of a lot of things. I am still not ready to take some risks. But as I embark on the third year since I’ve gotten my tattoo, one thing is more important – I am moving forward. Slow, it may be, but forward it still is.
Speaking of moving forward, I have decided to move this blog forward too. I would be writing about being a work-at-home mother and enjoying singlehood. Hopefully this time, I could stick to the schedule I’ve made.
That’s it. Until my next random thought.